The Tale of Two Duners (Doners)

To many of you, the word means nothing. To some, including myself, it means much more. It all starts with a soft, fluffy, circular flour shell. Its body has the strength to hold in copious quantities of deliciousness, yet still has the soft and comfortable feeling that you can only find in a pile of fresh laundry (dry of course). The shell is heavily powdered in white flour which upon every bit it leaves your lips looking like, well, white. What is inside this gift from god you ask? Well, the toppings can vary from place to place, but there is usually one constant ingredient that can be found in all doners, MEAT (Sorry, Tyler/Thomas and other grass eaters). Though, without meat doners have been said to exist, I intend to write only about ones with meat. This juicy meat concoction is comprised of many different stacks of “Meat”. This “Meat” is a mystery to the world; it could be beef, chicken, pork, hell maybe even fish. It rotates ever so gracefully around an open air rotisserie thing (Think about that magic Rotisserie machine on TV but bigger and without saying the words, “Set it! And Forget!”) The “meat” is carved off by a highly skilled and trained craftsman (or a pimply high school kid trying to earn money for Friday’s disco) and the “meat” falls gentle into a pile comprised of “character” building ingredients.

As I dive into the art of a duner, I must not forget to mention one of the most critical ingredients, the Sauce. Many say that a duner is to be graded upon this said sauce. Much emphasis and focus is aimed towards the duner sauce. So duner stands will fall or raise in the face of a good or bad sauce. The sauce may be too strong, too garlicky, too runny, too chunky, too sour, too sweet or maybe just plan nasty.

The shell is quickly warmed on a stove top and then the sauce is placed on the shell (generously). The “meat” is then placed in the doner followed by the any of the following ingredients:

Cabbage (sometimes the cabbage consists of Carrots and other “tasty” ingredients) the cabbage can range in colors, green to brown, depending on the freshness. For the full experience, brown and wilted is recommended.

French Fries- From the crispy ness to the wimpyness, French Fries play the “filler” role in this meal. You can tell what type of owner runs the doner stand you are at by the amount of fries you receive. The more in the doner, the less “meat” you will receive. This means the owner is a cheap bastard and his stand should never be returned to. You also need to be aware of the grease content of the fries.

Rice – Rice is a rare ingredient. It was first introduced when the mass influx of Mexicans came to Bulgaria. They brought with them Cinco De Mayo and Burritos. This habit to add rice to burritos then transcended to the doners. The rice allows a more consistent doner. It acts to balance the greasiness and the textures of the meal without overpowering the taste. Rice is a premium product that is added and only quality stands added it to there arsenal.

Pickles – Just as adding corn to pizza is a mystery to me, Pickles to doners are the same way. They do add to the taste, but in an unuseful way. The saltiness of the pickles is lost in the saltiness of the fries and “meat”. The pickles come in many sizes, but the most popular is the spear type.

Tomatoes – Bulgaria grows some of the world’s best tomatoes. The juiciness and sweetness of every tomato here assures you that Bulgaria soil is awesome. You can never have enough tomatoes.

Condiments – I for one am all for adding Ketchup to any meal. Eggs, toast, salads, and now for duners. Why not add to that 1000 calorie duner with a little Ketchup and a whole hell of a lot of Mayo. So add soy sauce, hot sauce, pepper, more salt and oil. I would recommend keeping it simple to employ the full duner experience.

This goodness is all wrapped and packaged in a plastic sack, which is a miracle in itself, and served to you for a low price. Needless to say, it is my crack rock of Bulgaria.

You may ask yourself, “Why explain in such detail the doner?” Well, to add to the reasoning of course. Two weeks ago was our IST. It was a refresher course for us and all the B22s and B21s were in attendance. It was held in the beautiful town of Hissar. The only thing I remember about that place was the super sweet indoor water slide. Who know that time trials down a waterslide would be so fun.

Enough serious talk (If you haven’t notice, I will try to keep serious issues and stories to a bear minimum, because you know as well as I, you don’t want to read about my “life changing events”), I was out in a fabulous town in Bulgaria with a man that will be called, Pablo. At the end of the night, walking perfectly straight lines and reciting the alphabet forward and backwards, we approached the heavenly Doner Stand. Now thing back to college, where El Famous Burrito or Papa Johns was a mere few seconds from realization, here it is the same. A perfect night will be capped off by a carbohydrate loaded meal at 4 in the morning. Here is no different except Duners are substituted instead of Taco Bell. Pablo and I proceeded to cap off our glorious night with two giant duners. I handed him his and then, with my right hand holding deliciousness, turned. As the smell creped towards my nose, out of nowhere, a hand, swifter then mine forced my heaven in a shell to the ground. In a state of shock, I looked into the eyes of the culprit and to my surprise it was Johnny Sourpants. I thought to myself, with the utmost clarity in mind, “What the F$## are you doing?” Words were exchanged; none to be mentioned here, and as cooler heads prevailed, Johnny Sourpants walked to the stand to by me a new doner. Still in shock and awe, I looked at the poor casualty on the ground. There it laid; cabbage and meat sprawled out of the shell. That night I shed a single tear for that KIA Duner. As Johnny handed me a newly made duner with extra sauce, a flash of clarity jolted through my mind. With the duner in my hand for less then two seconds, I immediately launched the duner upon Johnny’s face. Oh the site, a direct hit that ran from the upper left temple to the nose. Man, I really should give the maker of that duner a tip because he must have put extra duner sauce in there. It ran down his head and may have got in his eyes which sent him walking away in shame. Two doners down, and tired I headed to Bed. Just remember, messing with a man (or woman)’s duner is like messing with his family. You just don’t do it. So here is to you Mr. Dunersmackerouterhand Man, Think twice before you act on a person’s duner.


Ok, I am out, Next time I will talk about my adventures to Romania.

Take care and Stay Classy,

Chase